Anxiety

Why do i tend to push people away when i feel like they're being too close to me? Is it because i'm feeling too insecure of myself or is there any science explanations behind my doings?. You know, it's not like i'm that busy these days beside doing my thesis, but yea something been bugging me off lately.

Recently, there was a guy who approached me. He is a year older than me. we went on a date once and yadda yadda but then i found something in him which is a lil bit too much for me to handle so i kinda lost the interest. Honestly, i feel no regret at all and i thought it was okay feel that we are no match because we were still at the stage of knowing each other, so there's that. And no, the reason is not because there was another guy. I just kinda lost the sparks? idk

The thing is, when i lost interest in a person, i can't fake myself to like them. But i'll try to be as polite as possible (i know how hurt the feels of rejection) and after i discussed the matter with one of my boy-friend (who was happened in an exact position as the guy i talked above) i encouraged myself to talk about how i feel with the said guy. And that was actually my first time i told a guy to just    Fortunately, he was aware and asked me first what happened to me. And i listed the things that been bothered me and told the guy to just find another person who matches his persona or whatever. Idk if he got the signal but he acted like i just wasn't ready and updated his sns here and there about how to be strong etc (thank you, you left me with no regret at all)

You know, if i were another person, i probably would hate myself too but I can't help myself okay?

Social anxiety. 

Is this the right term to describe why i acted like these? that would be hyperbole but sometimes it just not about the guy. It might be the guy fault at some points, but there are more bigger picture why i feel like acted like an asshole most of the times. I feel like if they know the real me, the me they don't even guess on what i presented on my social media, the me they think they already know, they would leave me, the annoying me. Same goes when i feel like my friends opted me out when they were going out without telling me. It might be a coincidence but the annoying mind of me keep telling me that i'm no fun to be around so they're rather going out without me.

Who's gonna love the socially awkward person with fierce-tryhard personality outside like me? I'm no Beyonce nor Taylor Swift so my face won't even save me.
Thus why i rarely updated something so explicitly about my feelings, because i think that's miserable.  No one would 'really' care about what happened to your feelings. You know the thing i often do as in the an eye for an eye thing? That's what I did, eventough sometimes the eye I aimed isn't the same eye that been aimed at me. Im not being pessimistic (for some parts, probably) but im trying to be realistic. I even consider to seek some professionals sometimes but i guess that's just too much, eh?

Draft Letter I Could Never Send To You, And Never Will

Dear Mr P,

Good afternoon, Mr P! How are you? Doing good with your girl? Let's take it as yes because I see that you're finally going public with your relationship since I saw your dp with your girl. Your girl is sho cute I must say. In case you're wondering (but i doubt you'll ever find this letter anyway) I wrote this because this has been bothering me since days, probably if I dig deeper, It has been lingering since the day we said goodbyes to each other, perhaps, almost year ago. So, I'll just let it all out by typing this long-ass-cringey letter so I (hope) I could feel better after, since i knew, if i told just anyone about this, they might just see me as a vulnerable being, and i don't wanna be viewed like that, especially with people i knew.

Okay, back to the things-i-wanted-to-tell-you-but-i-choose-not-to. Boy, I don't miss you in romantic way nor I want your presence next to me whispering comforting things so that I could feel better. I believed I have moved on but sometimes, the thought of you are still lingering on my head. You left a questionable scar on my heart, because I don't know if I really hated you or just want to hear more explanation from you.

Our first meeting were kinda awkward, I know. My friend said you were handsome and kinda my type, but I didn't believe her at first since your display picture were facing other way so I couldn't see your face clearly lol.  I didn't expect too much from you,  I feel like i was out of your league, even I've thought my friend were joking when she said she wanted to introduce me to one of her seniors.

*                    *                   *

You messaged me first.

After days of talking to each other thru messaging app, you suddenly wanted to picked me up at train station which was marked as the day we 1st met, and the first time, a guy, who isn't my father, became an Imaam for maghrib prayer. In our first met. I was going cray

You are the type most girls probably hate, because you took minutes, even hours to reply, or no reply at all AFTER you read the messages. But i always got your reasons, you fall asleep, you were busy, your schedule with your friends, i got it. By then, I used to your habit of messaging. I never complained much, instead, I tried to understand your position, even though I was going crazy inside just to see a reply from you.

It's my first music festival experience ever, to attend, with a guy.

We met up at train station to the festival, and spent the days beautifully. We walked along, nearly a mile, hand-in-hands, to the venue, very happily, eventhough we both drenched by sweat. I was glad because we could saw Lenka's performance not too far from the stage, and sang along eventhough we both didn't know her song that well. And although we didn't watch all performers thru the end of event and were rushing off just to make sure you got your last train, i was genuinely happy. I was dying and contemplating inside if i should update my social media so that everyone could see how happy I was spending the day with you.

You know what happened now? Yes you guessed it right. I don't even want to hear songs by Lenka ever again because it just reminds me of you, or the day i got to spent with you. I. detested. it. so. much.

The Boy was turning 20!

That was the first time a guy spent a birthday with me, only me. I felt so special. You promised me that we were going somewhere to celebrate your birthday. I, too, looking forward for the day very much. I already got you a present, I choose a blue jumper by Pull & Bear and bought a red velvet cake, spent nearly thousands rupiahs for a first  time, to a guy (and we weren't a thing at that time yet) and not regretted it. (But now, I am)

We watched a movie, had a delicious dinner, took photos, and enjoyed the night scenery which were really beautiful that time. As you drove me home, you took a longer way than usual just because you said you wanted to spent more time with me before we reach my home. I probably went "awww" and blurted out random things at that time but trust me I felt amazing.

We finally became a 'thing'.

Dates after dates, we finally reached the relationship stage. It wasn't complicated at all, and we got along very well. Except, you left without a clear explanation after a 30 days.

When we were a thing, I felt beautiful, the feels of longing for someone and vice versa itself had took an amazing effect on myself.  I always wanted to look beautiful in front of you, with the way I did my make up, the way I spoke to you, even when we talked on messenger apps.

That time, we didn't meet for almost a month, when before, we used to meet just for a lunch, dinner, or a talk, probably once a week or more. I tried to understand that you were having midterms so I didn't try to arrange a date. But you, suddenly left me hanging like an idiot. You removed me from social media, and didn't even take a look at my last messages (we were talking just fine before). That's when I thought our relationship were ended and i tried to not be bothered by it.

I thought the reason you were missing was because you had problems with your parents, uni, or friends so that you didn't want to speak to anyone. I don't even know who your friends were instead of that one junior who also my friend too, but she said she didn't know, or maybe he's just bored with you, idk (and i was so mad at her at that time but little did i know, she had some problems too at that time, and we're all good now) and thus why i don;;t have the chance to ask them what's going on with you.

You finally replied my messages

....a WEEK after, with your weak reasoning. You said that you had your reasons which COULDN'T be explained but i was tired and just ate up whatever your reason was because i thought we were already done long before his explanations.

I accidentally found his instagram account, 

not long after our breakup, which is locked. I knew he created it not too long before i found it because I have searched his name before but there weren't one of his account, neither his followers and following numbers were that much for someone who're long in instagram. What surprised me to death was, his profile picture was him, with a girl, which later i found out that she is indeed his 'new' girlfriend (which was his ex-girlfriend too), thanks to my friend who informed me that his whatsapp profile picture are indeed him with the said girlfriend i saw on instagram. By then, i deleted all of our photos that we took, and blocked and deleted your contact right away.

Did you know how I feel at that time?

Anger? Mad? Sad? Dissapointed? Well, i couldn't handle it. That's when i lost my mind, and confident too. I felt deceived, ugly, humiliated, you name it all. I keep wondering what could possibly go wrong with us, what's wrong with me, am i not beautiful enough, am i not worthy enough to be loved, did he hate the gift i gave him, did he hate the way i talk, did i complained to much, and so on, which is not good. What's good is that i wasn't able to show him to anyone just yet and i thanked myself for doing that.

Yes, people, I was already cheated but he cleaned up his mess and image well before i found his shits. That's when i mad not only at you, but myself as well for letting a douche came close and messing me up. I might took a screenshot and made you as laughing stock with my cliques, but very very deep inside, i was very, very ashamed in front of them.

You may see me like i'm not affected by it at all. You may see my internet persona as a cold, witty, sarcastic and not caring about lovey dovey things at all. Hey, even if i did, the person i wanted to know the most won't know and didn't care at all so, what's the point? But really man, you can never tell a person by its photos nor what they posted on social media accounts because that's only show what they wanted to show.

The feel of knowing that you were cheated and deceived are humiliating, I must say. I am trully an idiot for believing a person so much and sadly you probably don't even know i already found your shit since then, because you even had the courage to sell a FCKNG concert tix to me after all the things you did :) i tend to avoid any confrontations and dramas plus we were already done so i don't want to ask you anything about that.

After all that, yes I kinda talk here and there with some guys but we were going nowhere. But you and all your mess keep popping up on my mind, make me angrier even more, because we already created so much memories before i learnt where the erase button is. Many things remind me of you, and deep down in my heart i hope i could meet you once again, face to face, just to hear your clear explanation of all these. But you seem happy with your girl now so I don't want to bother you with my not so important rants. I just hope when we destined to meet each other some other time, i won't ge remembered about things you've done anymore, I hope i'll laugh it off like it doesn't affect me at all, and you are just ones of my lesson learned i have to learnt.

Until we meet again,


A

Inception

Pernah gak sih kalian tuh mimpi kalo kalian lagi mimpi? Hah gimana lagi coba itu bahasanya gak mudeng, bingung jelasinnya. Jadi langsung aja ya tadi pagi asli gue baru nyadar banget setelah malam sebelumnya gue kaya super down parah terus gue bawa tidur aja, abis itu gue mimpi, mimpinya adalah.. mimpi bagus deh pokoknya kata orang mimpi bagus gak boleh diceritain keseluruhan soalnya ntar gak bakal kejadian (masih aja percaya ginian wkwk - bodo).

Gak deng ujung-ujungnya gue akan cerita juga kok disini. Nah jadi, di mimpi itu ada orang, gue tuh disitu kaya kenal banget pokoknya sama ni orang terus gue kebangun, gue nyadar itu mimpi and i was like "lah itu siapa anjir gue gak kenal" lalu yaudahlah gue beraktivitas seperti biasa dan ditengah-tengah itu gue ketemu orang yang di mimpi tadi, inget banget ketemu kaya di coffee shop gitu gue juga bingung kenapa bisa end up disana. Dan reaksi gue dalem hati kayak "ealah ini toh yang ada di mimpi gue, aneh banget gue bisa mimpiin dia, kenal aja nggak (turns out the said person has a twin brother when we met). Yaudah kan selesai gak gue ambil pusing lagi.
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jeng

jeng

jeng

jeng
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Gak sampe situ aja guys ceritanya. Jadi tadi siang menuju sore pas gue baru aja mau siap-siap cabut keluar rumah, gue baru nyadar kalo gue ketemu twin brothers pun cuma mimpi. In fact hari ini gue literally gak ketemu siapa-siapa, ke coffee shop pun nggak, bahkan gue pun gak tau siapa twin brothers di mimpi gue. Aneh ya? The least i could remember about that dream was that the twin brothers are quite good looking and neat, their faces are a bit chinese, one twin wears a blue shirt and then i forgot the rest. Kayaknya gue kebanyakan pergi ke area Jakarta Barat deh sampe kebawa mimpi ketemu Kokko-koko lucu^^

Treat or Truth

Good evening, folks!

Seperti biasa hari ini gue mau buang sampah aka unek-unek di blog

But i'm not really sure if i could really spill everything here since this blog is up there in the internet world where anyone from everywhere basically could read what i wrote (if they knew the url, of course) Dan maaf-maaf kalo bahasa preman gua agak keluar ya aduh gak bisa banget pake bahasa yang menarik dan berestetika tinggi (gimana mau dibukuin nih blog)(gadeng canda)

Jadi. teman-teman dan saudaraku. gue. baru. belajar. makin lo gede. makin mahal tuh. harga kejujuran. mihil banget.

Everyone cheats and be cheated. There's no in between. Lo mungkin ngerasa udah jujur, tapi apa orang sekitar lo udah jujur sama lo? Dan lo yakin, yakin banget? There are no 100% truths in this world. Adalah pasti poles dikit sana sini biar menarik atau looks pleasing di mata orang.

Dan kadang orang yang gak jujur tuh malah jadi lebih agresif gak sih dari yang jujurnya? 

Entah jujur sama diri sendiri atau sama orang lain. ASLI deh sekarang tuh ya gue kalo ngomong cerita jujur ke orang-orang aja pilih pilih. Takut euy tadinya mau ringanin beban malah ngasih kartu joker ke orang lain. Dan apa ya curhat remeh temeh ke orang lain sebenernya gak bantu-bantu amat ringanin beban gak sih?. Respon default orang-orang tuh pasti cuma "yaampun sabar ya" "pasti bisa kok semangat" udah, paling basic.

Ada juga yang keliatannya care banget nih sama masalah lo, ngasih saran ina inu eh ujungnya nyari celah buat personal gains. Itu gak jujur. Atau bahasa lainnya gak ikhlas mau bantuin.

Atau ada yang sotoy, kayanya tau banget gitu yang diomongin, padahal nyicipin bidangnya kaya apapun ngga. Itu gak jujur juga.

Atau kalo bahas hubungan romansa tuh kaya yang selingkuh misalnya? Maksud gue tuh...orang-orang ngapain ya selingkuh tuh gue masih gak ngerti. Biar apa? Biar dikata cakep? Biar dikata masih laku?. Terus yang bikin kesel biasanya yang model gini nih kalo hampir ketahuan suka lebih defensif sendiri, parnoan sendiri sama pasangannya atau sama orang lain. Yang salah siapa yang marah-marah sampe playing victim siapa. Kan bikin ketawa. Orang ngapa-ngapain, eh ngana curiga sendiri. Gue tuh udah apal sama orang kaya gitu sampe-sampe gerak geriknya pun, bikin gue ngakak aseli kepedean banget sok polos padahal mah gue juga tau lagi apa kaleee. Tapi kalo yang ini sebenernya buat that one particular person sih HAHAHAHA bodo amat bodo imma let it all out. I'm so done sama orang yang kayak gini soalnya.

Gue juga gak ngerti ini jelasnya ngomongin apa, tapi yang jelas gue nulis ini karena ada bentuk kekecewaan dari orang-orang sekitar gue. People i used to look up to, people i used to adore. But fine, people changes, so do I. Anda-anda semua gak jujur sama saya, kenapa saya harus jujur. Emang sih ujung-ujungnya gak solutif  dan not a very wise decision, but oh well orang orang yang bohong sama saya pun gak peduli. Intinya TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF, oiya jangan lupa juga minta petunjuk sama Sang Pencipta semoga kita selalu dikasih petunjuk yang benar. Aamiin

The Unsaid Words

In the name of Allah, the Entirely merciful, the Especially Merciful

I dedicated this special post for no other than Allah, whose been leading me to His path, until where i'm currently walking right now. I've never been feeling so grateful in my life, until now. Al-hamdulillaah.

Dalam hidup saya, saya memang belum bisa disebut sebagai orang yang sangat religius dalam kesehariannya. Meskipun di umur saya yang dapat dianggap sudah dewasa sekarang ini, saya sering kali terganggu dengan beberapa ideologi-ideologi baru yang mungkin membuat iman saya sempat goyah, saya sangat bersyukur saya masih diberi hidayah oleh-Nya, atau mungkin 'teguran kecil' sehingga saya masih berpegang teguh terhadap apa yang telah saya percayai dan saya anut.

Saya tahu, saya memang tidak semestinya menggantungkan harapan kepada manusia, sesama ciptaan-Nya. Sering saya mengeluh betapa seringnya saya dikecewakan oleh sesama manusia karena perbuatannya. Pun, saya tahu banyak yang kecewa terhadap apa yang mungkin saya telah perbuat sebagai manusia, yang tidak lepas dari banyak kesalahan. Dan disaat itulah, saya mulai menghilangkan harapan saya kepada manusia, meskipun saya tahu saya sendiri adalah seorang manusia. Ironi memang, namun seperti inilah pandangan saya saat ini. Tidak tahu besok, lusa, atau beberapa bulan kemudian. Bukan, saya bukan benci terhadap manusia. Namun untuk saat ini, saya hanya tidak bisa benar-benar percaya kepada manusia, yang setiap individunya memiliki tujuan dan rencana masing-masing. Termasuk saya sendiri. Karena manusia bisa berencana, namun tetap Allah, Yang Maha Sempurna-lah yang menentukannya.

Apabila saya tinjau kembali perjalanan kehidupan saya yang lalu-lalu, saya menyadari betapa egoisnya saya terhadap apa yang saya inginkan, betapa tinggi ambisi saya untuk mendapatkan sesuatu, dan betapa cepatnya saya berubah menjadi apatis terhadap lingkungan di sekitar saya. Yah, namanya juga manusia. Semuanya memiliki keinginan dan tujuannya masing-masing dalam hidup. Lucunya, dari beberapa ambisi saya tersebut, ada beberapa yang saya sendiri, yang jujur memiliki tingkat self-esteem yang rendah, tidak percaya dapat mencapainya.

Sebut saya pemalas, penunda pekerjaan yang handal, dan kurang teliti atau ceroboh. Namun apabila saya putar kembali apa saja pencapaian yang saya raih selama ini, saya masih tidak percaya saya dapat melaluinya. Dari beberapa pencapaian tersebut, saya sering kali merasakan kehadiran-Nya dalam kehidupan saya. Ada saja beberapa kejadian dimana saya merasa dimudahkan karena-Nya. Misalnya seperti sekarang ini. Saya masih tidak percaya saya bisa masuk departemen K3 yang sudah saya idam-idamkan sebelum masuk ke universitas ini, hingga akhirnya sekarang saya menjadi bagian dari departemen ini. Hal kecil, memang, namun saya pernah benar-benar pasrah dan telah siap dengan berbagai kemungkinan yang ada bila saya berada di departemen lain. Saya sungguh siap apabila saya ditakdirkan bukan berada disini karena saya yakin masih banyak yang lebih-lebih baik daripada saya baik itu dari segi prestasi akademik, maupun non-akademiknya yang sama-sama menginginkan departemen yang saya tuju ini. Kemudian, dulu saat saya masih menjadi mahasiswa tingkat II, saya pernah menguping pembicaraan dua orang senior saya mengenai dosen pembimbing yang luar biasa baiknya sangat membantu proses skripsi senior saya ini. Salah satu senior tsb berasal dari departemen dimana saya berada sekarang. Dalam hati saya berkata, akan sangat beruntungnya saya apabila saya mendapatkan dosen pembimbing yang sama, di departemen yang sama, seperti senior saya. Waktu pun berlalu hingga akhirnya, dan sekali lagi, Ia menunjukkan kasih sayang dan keajaibannya kepada saya, saat saya tahu, saya akan dibimbing oleh dosen yang sangat saya inginkan bahkan sebelum saya tahu apakah saya bisa masuk departemen ini atau tidak. Entah merupakan suatu kebetulan atau tidak, tapi saya benar-benar merasakan kebesaran-Nya, sekali lagi. Allahu Akbar.

Saya sangat-sangat bersyukur akan hal itu. Mungkin masih banyak lagi kejadian bagaimana Yang Maha Kuasa menunjukkan kasih sayangnya, yang saya lagi-lagi sebagai manusia biasa tidak menyadarinya. Meskipun saya beberapa kali sering melanggar perintah-Nya, namun kasih sayang-Nya seakan tidak henti-hentinya mengalir kepada saya. Dan disitulah saya merasakan kasih sayang yang sesungguhnya. Saya benar-benar merasakan rasanya 'disayangi' yang tidak pernah saya rasakan sebelumnya ole manusia. Saya tidak tahu akan jadi manusia seperti apa saya dikemudian hari, namun saya berharap saya dapat memanfaatkan kasih sayang yang diberikan kepada saya ini, dengan menjadi manusia yang lebih bermanfaat dengan sebaik-baiknya, tak henti-hentinya mengucapkan kata syukur, sebagaimana Sang Pencipta menyayangi saya dengan segala kasih sayang-Nya. Aamiin.

Ha

Hi,

I don't know if people even reading this nor my previous posts but i'm just gonna write this anyway.

Ha ha ha

Gak lucu.

Sebel gue akhir akhir ini jadi cranky banget parah, moodswings gak jelas gitu deh which is def not a good sign ever like what's going on with me?????????????????? Yes i'm on my period rn but i think that's not the ultimate reason tho? I never felt something like this even on my period days before. Like, maunya nyemprot orang-orang, apapun bisa bikin wa emosi. Jelek banget inisih parah kalo gini terus gimana ngilanginnya ya. Dan lagi, gue kalo lagi cranky, terus sebel sama orang, jeleknya gue nih ya, beneran lho gue bisa jahat sama orang hhhh nyusahin. Jangan-jangan usut punya usut gue ada darah tinggi? eh iya gak sih?????? should i get my blood checked soon???????

My self centered thoughts - Long ass post ahead

Hai bloggie ku yang lapuk. Sudahlama tidak berkunjung dimari.

Sebelumnya mau bilang, Minal aidin wal faidzin semuanya!!! Walaupun telat dikit tapi gapapa kan ya!!!! (ngomong sendiri) (jawab sendiri)

In case ada yang penasaran, ya alhamdulillah kabar gue baik baik aja. Lagi sibuk jadi panitia sama ikut kursus slama libur. Anyway, gue diterima di peminatan K3 just like what i wished back in my freshman years. Alhamdulillah, Allah masih peduli sama gue hehehe doakan aku semoga lancar di departemen ini sampai skripsi dan lulus nanti. Aamiin.

Nah gue mau cerita. Ada satu sih yang ngeganjel sekarang ini. The higher power in my house (ye let's just call it as it is) often asks me about who i'm dating with. Why do i haven't got any boyfriend yet and so on. Terus bilang jangan keasyikan liatin musik sama nonton drama jadi keasyikan, lupa deh cari pacar. Wow wow what a way to enlighten my life vision. Lagian ada ada aja, ngapain cepet cepet punya "the one" you could call it mine diumur yang sekarang sih. Ya silakan kalo ada yang happy begitu, i'm happy for you, gak salah, tapi buat yang sendiri terus sedih galau keluarin quotes quotes bahwa single is the worst, i feel bad for you. I admit back in few months ago, i envied those who shared their happiness with their other half with such cute captions and heartwarming photos. However, something happened, and it completely changed my mind. I have another stuffs which must be taken care of from now on. Yall probably could see what's worrying me from my recent posts from 3 years ago until now.  I really don't want to depend on anyone else. I want to be independent, i want to asure myself that imma have bright future years ahead with my own hardworks. Plus, i don't want to get myself caught in useless, tiring, and stupid situations which would affect my future.

Sure, i have the desire to meet the so called my other half. But i think,  for now it's not that important. I'm not saying i would forbid myself from getting into a relationship. People come and go, hence, i can say that i'm quite used to the people who left after getting such a ti'is response from me (Ti' is alias bahasa belandanya dingin-you get me). I'm sorry you won't get any unyu unyu response from me, unless I'm sure you'll bring no harm (emangnya kuman) dan eventho, they left, gue juga yang yaudah????We weren't together by law so gue gabakal kehilangan apa-apa juga sih, ya sedih sedih dikit ajah tapi yaudah emang we werent meant together toh??? And sayings like "nikah aja sama orang kaya biar gak susah" "abis kuliah mau langsung nikah aja" would not work for me. Because, let's say that i got married with an anak pejabat business man once i graduated from uni. Ya syukur ketemunya yang baik.  kalo misalnya in some ways, he cheated on me (naudzubillahminzalik) , be it i know or not, and worst, abused me, either verbally or physically, while i don't have any jobs and bener bener depend on my husband financially, gue bisa apa selain iya iya aja sih? Ya ok cerai, but while i don't have any back up plan for supporting me, what could i do after that? Nikah lagi? Anak-anak gue? No, i don't want my kid experince such a thing. Intinya, I don't want that kind of relationship. Ya emang kejauhan mikirnya, tapi apapun bisa terjadi yakan. And nope kid, i'm not making stories, i have seen shhoo many kind of relationships like this in my entire life. And i don't want "that" happened with me. Lagian, Takdir Allah siapa yang tau. What i'm doing right now, is my way to prevent if those unpleasant things happened in the future.

I don't really mind if anyone ever called me with jones orsomething like that (the jokes is getting old tho, i suggest you to find the new ones). Those galau galau account be it on twitter or those that your friends shared on Line irk me in so many levels. Cewe harus jual mahal lah, cowo harus inilah, wey lu gila ya. These kind of sayings will affect younger generations in negative ways, rather than love theirselves for what they have achieved. ya emang gak semua, cuma akun-akun menye kaya gitu pasti mempengaruhi orang banyak. Gue, dulu, salah satunya. Sedih juga kalo dipikir-pikir.

I have soooo much things i want to aim other than this one. Get accepted in graduated school, travels around the world, punya rumah sendiri, atas nama gue, and so on. And so do YOU! You can find happiness everywhere and anywhere kok, gak harus nunggu dikasih sama orang lain. Make yourself happy, and proud, and live your life to the fullest.

Tl;dr, to the higher power that makes me writing this long, probably full of bs post, please don't worry about me or what happened with my love life. I'm happy, safe and sound for who i am, by myself. My future plan is on me, so the right thing you could do are supporting my decision and wishing my plan would work on me, smoothly, hence, everything will be just fine.

Trust Sounds Like Trash

I feel like i've been stabbed for million times bcs of this.

I know this isn't only about me but still, don't you think you've crossed line, Miss? Don't you ever feel guilty over this even if its just a bit? I mean, you played victim and went all whining crazily and loud over something worse but then you do something worst the latter which left me with nothing but dissapointment. I thought that you were the star of my night, the guide to my path, and the sun of my shine, but then again i've never been so wrong in my life.

I. really. really. feel. bad. for. him. Heck, i really really feel bad for myself for once again trusting someone who i thought would never do that kind of thing behind my back [but i still knew it in the end anyway]. I love you. I surely do. But do you really think me won't know all of these with your obvious act around me after all this time?
Do you really think i wouldn't know?
You think that i'm dumb, don't you?
Have you ever thought how do i feel?
Or how does HE feel if he knows what you did behind his back?
When he's gone for a day and then come back home with his tired-face-but-still-managed-to-smile just for you?

These questions oftenly come to my mind when i think about you. About us. I might come off as that tough girl who seems careless and silly. But I, as a human, have feelings too. I can feel pain. It annoys me when i think that you put me as that dumb girl, struggling with her pocket money with young mind who think that this kind of things don't matter for me. No, lady. You're definitely wrong this time. There are more amazing things that i should worry about, like, what will I do after I graduate, or when will I ever meet Park Chanyeol, face to face, or where to cut my old and oily hair BUT THIS SHOULDN'T BE ONE DAMMIT but why thanks to you I got my lesson learned and  I once again lost interest to interact with people bcs they will only bring you dissapointment after you give them your trust.

You know, Human are the scariest living thing on planet. Like, you can't never guess what will they do later after they know all about you. Your life, your hobbies, your fear, your happiness, and your weakness. These might come chasing you one day and destroy your life in a matter of seconds. Like mine. In the end, the only thing that they care about are their ego. So ya, as you know, I'm a human too. I'm one of the scariest living thing on planet. I got tired in putting others feeling first before mine. Why? They don't even try to put theirselves in other shoes, and why would I?? I might as well put my ego first before everything.

And this is why, my friends, I have trust issues. I mean why trust people when you have your self who you can trust anytime?

Alone

Have you ever feel so aloone? Have you ever thought that no one need you? Oke sedikit lebay sih. But actually, this is the worst feeling i've ever feel till now. Huhu ibu pergi ayah pergi temen main pada sibuk semua yahh. Sampe besok juga >.< sounds silly yah tapi sering banget ngerasaain sesendiri ini. No no i've got enough friends to chat with kalo di bbm twitter and so on. Tapi itu gacukup lah. Chat aja sama simsimi kalo gitu. Isn't it ironic how on days we feel most alone like i-cant-cope-with-it, we isolate myself from the world.

Saat lagi butuh seseorang buat nemenin you, ada disamping you saat itu juga, buat you gelendotin, dengerin cerita you yang gapenting, even he/she doesn't support you with kind of words, tapi asal ada ajaaa seseorang, siaapun itu, udah jadi mental support tersendiri, yakan? Manusia itu....makhluk sosial kan?. But there's no one available to share their times with you. When you have so many stories to tell, but nobody wants to listen your story Like you weren't needed.. apaperlu i tweet "feel so alone" di twitter even no one notice :'( najis lebay. Kesian banget nih si forever alone atu aakakakakak.

Atau disini, gue yang salah. Gue, gue yang labil, gue yang gabisa bersosialisasi, gue yang emang aslinya gapunya temen or orang terdekat yah. Shud i pay 50$ for curhat sama psikolog? lagi lagi berlebihan dalam berkata, Allysa. Mungkin ada yang udah pernah nonton "The Perks of Being Wallflower"? atau udah baca novelnya? Ya, kadang gue ngerasa kaya si Charlie. You see things, you keep quiet about them. And you understand. that's sooooooooooooo me, sometimes. Oh ya you can call me a-semi-introvert-puberty-girl. I kud be so quite sometimes, and lucky you (or mampus lo) if i kud said anything that comes thru my head, to ya without being shy~

Yaudalah ya gausah lebay, orang orang sibuk ngurusin yang lebih penting daripada loe. Cuma dua hari ini (or more) belom ngekos, makin gada yang notice lo juga sih, sok penting abis hiduplo, wey.

Udah lah, btw hari ini hari terakhir ujian praktik. Karena ujian praktik gue jadi sering banget ketemu sama si mr.a walaupun kita beda kelas. Blog, todayy, he looked really cute did his biology task with his glasses on (: i knew, this feeling wasn't love, its just you likes someone, somuch. I just feel happy wherever i see him. Bahagia totally sederhana, guys. Oh sure, i still have crush on you, everytime i see you mr.a (: semoga tercapai deh cita citanya jadi dokter. Next, sukses uas dan un for us yaa hehe :D

Anyway, i really shud say THANKS to anyone who created this thingy thing called blogger yang dari jaman rhoma irama masih sibuk manggung udah bantu mencurahkan semua hal hal tersampah di dunia ini. Salam hangat, manusia sampah. Xo

People change, friends leave. But life doesn't stop for anybody. -"The Perks of Being Wallflower"

Better much, huh?

What do you feel when people underestimate your achievement? They said that they were better than you, lalala pokoknya gitulah. Kemaren bener bener ngerasain di-underestimate-in orang jadi gue gamau kalo gue meng-underestimate-kan orang lain karna gue tau rasanya kaya gimana.

Jadi kemaren dapeet pengalaman, gue ilustrasiin deh ya ceritanya.

Misalnya lo lagi konsultasi masalah sesuatu yang lo pengen capai banget, terus lo cerita sama orang yang juga keinginanya sama kaya lo, terus dia bukannya ngedukung, berjuang sama sama malah bilang "jalan lo mah bukan disitu kayaknya, mending ini aja kali" atau  kasarnya "gabakal kesampean deh mimpilo" gitu, dalem gak sih? sakit gak? Ngerasa di-underestimate-in ga?

okelah orang itu mungkin emang ga ngerasa ngerendahin atau menganggap enteng gue ya karena gangerasain perasaan orang yang digituin. Coba kalo jadi orang yang direndahin. Dianggap remeh. Dianggap "yelah lo mah bukan saingan gua lagi, gua lebih daripada lo" istilahnya gitu sama orang. Waduh, ngeri bet ngeriiii

Terus kemaren juga denger pembicaraan orang, anggep aja x sama y, pokoknya dia lagi ngomongin orang gitu, mau masuk fk si orang ini panggil aja si z. Nah si z itu ranking nya emang ga secemerlang yang mau masuk fk lainnya,, terus si x ini bilang, "Yakali mau masuk fk? Gamikir apa?" Hei.......kayak Tuhan aja. Gue yang bukan si z aja kesel dengernya. Bisa aja loh orang yang lo remehin seremeh2nya tau kalo lo remehin dia, terus dia kesel, terus malah bangkit karena di remehin sama lo, buktiin kalo lo bukan apa yang dia bilang, terus jadi lebih sukses darilo? Apa sih yang nggak mungkin selama kita berdoa terus? Ya inget inget aja, kita semua makhluk Allah, sama kok derajatnya, mau yang pinter mau yang ngga. Otak juga sama aja, masalah ini itu udah ada yang ngatur izinnya, ya sepinter apapun, sekaya apapun, kalo Allah udah bilang gaboleh ya gabakal kejadian, sob. Gabakal orang masuk surga berdasarkan IQ-nya diatas 120 apa ngga. yaga? Hati hati sama omongan deh mulai sekarang sekarang. Be brave!

T_T

I really need to get over you. But, something always bring me back to you. I'm  totally, mentally, fucked up. ASTAGA!!!!! WOY!!! Gangerti lagi ah. Se-gabisa-itu <\3 Btw fotonya lucu nged. Hehe. foto siapa icha......Gatawu.............................I'm feels so dumb.

K. *inhale* *exhale*

Forgive him, forgive myself, value of my life. Come on dude, don't stick to the past for someone who DOESN'T EVEN CARE that you're still there for him. Nuff said. -Xx

:/

Sob yea sob sok asik. Hai hai hallo.
Under pressure nih. Gimana ya. Gakuku lagi. Aduh aduh tekanan dari mana-mana. Ada yang ngeganjel. Mungkin seperti suatu keinginan atau apa ya gangerti. Sangat mengganggu. Kepikiran terus. Gakngerti sampe kapan ilangnya. Tapi, gabisa diomongin atau gak boleh diomongin lagian gak punya hak apapun saat ini. Bahkan di blog gue sendiri. Cerita sama siapa juga yah tau banget responnya pada bakal kayak gimana. Jadi? percuma cerita. Dan gangerti juga kenapa bisa terus terusan ngeganjel kayak gini. Kadang malah kepikiran yang ngga ngga. Yang gamungkin. Yang mustahil. Mau semedi di goa mana juga gabakalan kejadian. Gimana dong? Kadang pengen cerita ke stranger aja. Gatau kenapa hehehe. Atau cerita sama doraemon, dengan baik hati langsung ngasih solusi instan. Asik yaga? Aela apasih icha. Terus kalo gamau cerita ngapain di share? Gatau deh ah.

Hari paling gabut

Hari ini hari ulang tahunnya Pak Ikhwan, Bu Ayu, Bu Yuni, Bu Nunuk, Pak Ade, Bu Yeni, Pak Valen dan semuanya karena hari ini........hari ultah guru! YEaaaaaaaay Selamat hari guru! \:D/

yayaya skip. Mau cerita hari ini yeaaaaaay. Hari ini ke sekolah kyk biasa, terus pas di mobil baru inget buat beli kupon donasi bulcup tapi cm bawa uang pas-pasan. Akhirnya minta ayah, buat 9 tiket.......45 ribu :_) dikasih coy muehehehe sayang ayah deh :"D trs yaudah kan tuh nyampe kelas udah ditodong sm Dea and Eca. "Allysa beli kuponnya dong plis plis" ya karna emang udah niat beli yaudah kan gua beli. Trs ditanya beli berapa, pas gua jawab beli 9 eh langsung "YAAMPUUN ALLYSA BAIK BGT MAKASIH YA MAKASIH!!" Yaduu deritanya kerasa banget itu. Wkwk. Hasna jg jualan pudding. Enak tp kurang fla dan kurang banyak huhuhuhu. Skip. Gptg. Ok

Abis itu upacara hari guru kan tuh lamaaa mayan biar gabelajar hohoho eh taunya gara gara apaa gitu gajelas gurunya marah, kecewa, sedih galau :"""( wkwk jadi upacaranya diberhentikan dulu sampe jam 9 kurang 15 kalo gasalah. Yah penonton sedih. Icha sedih. Kilab deh ke kelas kan dikasih minyuuum dulu tp hehe :D dikelas bosen. Gada guru yaudah icha jajan sendiri ke kantin beli nasi goreng. Abis itu pas ke kelas ada bu Ayu sm bu Ros. Yah ada guru. Yah belajar. Yah males. Eh tp gapapa jam nya dikurang2in jd satu jam cuma 25 menit. Jadi katanya pas Bu Ayu naik jabatan ke bandung, gue diajar dulu sm Bu Ros. Bu ros mirip-mirip guru private gua pas sd dah bu Ros. Stylenya mirip banget. Yaudah lah ya gausa dibahas. Dia ngajar ngejelasin bentar terus liat video cacing Planaria, Nematoda, Cacing pita, terus melenceng ke lintah, cacing yang ada di usus yang geli abis, itu Jokul sampe gamau liat. Wkkw. Nah pas belajar tuh udah lebih dari 50 menit dan emang gabut banget cuma liat-liat video yang IEWH. Yaudah akhirnya guru keluar. Terus gada guru lg sampe jam berapa ya lupa.

Oiya terus pas istirahat di kelas gue, Dea, Hasna, Juna, Bagus kan lg main tap tap sama apa gitu. Eh tiba tiba Juna nyeletuk mirip abis sama yang suka minta-minta di metro mini. Wwkwkwk bikin ketawa. Kira kira begini,

"Pak Markum kecebur empang! (apaan tuh bang?),

Assalamualaikum para penumpang"

"aki2 gapake celana, (apaan lagi tuh bang?)

kalo rejeki ga kemana ya pak bu ya"

"Lapar tuan!Lapar nyonya. hanya karena lapar teman kami banyak yang mencopet, mencuri, menjambret. bahkaaan teman kami ada yangrela menjual tubuhnya hanya demi sesuap nasi"

"Mungkin seribu dua ribu tak akan membuat anda jatuh miskin ya pak bu ya"

Wkwkwk gitu deh pokoknya terus nadanya juga mirip banget!!!!!!! Cocok kalo narikin kolekan di 69. Waqaqaq. Yaudah abis gitu pulang, gua ngajakkin Luluk sm Fauziah ke 90 jualin kupon. Biar balik modal coy-_- gua minta tolong Muja jualan eh laku 3. huhu mayan lah mayan. Yaudah kilab trs Ibu blm pulang tuh jam 2-_- mana chargernya ilang...sampe sekarang gaketemu......nasip-_- Wkwk yaudah ah itu aja. Eh tunggu!!!!!!! Masa saya dan dia itu lagi............skip ah skip mau bobo aja dadaaah;;)