Anxiety

Why do i tend to push people away when i feel like they're being too close to me? Is it because i'm feeling too insecure of myself or is there any science explanations behind my doings?. You know, it's not like i'm that busy these days beside doing my thesis, but yea something been bugging me off lately.

Recently, there was a guy who approached me. He is a year older than me. we went on a date once and yadda yadda but then i found something in him which is a lil bit too much for me to handle so i kinda lost the interest. Honestly, i feel no regret at all and i thought it was okay feel that we are no match because we were still at the stage of knowing each other, so there's that. And no, the reason is not because there was another guy. I just kinda lost the sparks? idk

The thing is, when i lost interest in a person, i can't fake myself to like them. But i'll try to be as polite as possible (i know how hurt the feels of rejection) and after i discussed the matter with one of my boy-friend (who was happened in an exact position as the guy i talked above) i encouraged myself to talk about how i feel with the said guy. And that was actually my first time i told a guy to just    Fortunately, he was aware and asked me first what happened to me. And i listed the things that been bothered me and told the guy to just find another person who matches his persona or whatever. Idk if he got the signal but he acted like i just wasn't ready and updated his sns here and there about how to be strong etc (thank you, you left me with no regret at all)

You know, if i were another person, i probably would hate myself too but I can't help myself okay?

Social anxiety. 

Is this the right term to describe why i acted like these? that would be hyperbole but sometimes it just not about the guy. It might be the guy fault at some points, but there are more bigger picture why i feel like acted like an asshole most of the times. I feel like if they know the real me, the me they don't even guess on what i presented on my social media, the me they think they already know, they would leave me, the annoying me. Same goes when i feel like my friends opted me out when they were going out without telling me. It might be a coincidence but the annoying mind of me keep telling me that i'm no fun to be around so they're rather going out without me.

Who's gonna love the socially awkward person with fierce-tryhard personality outside like me? I'm no Beyonce nor Taylor Swift so my face won't even save me.
Thus why i rarely updated something so explicitly about my feelings, because i think that's miserable.  No one would 'really' care about what happened to your feelings. You know the thing i often do as in the an eye for an eye thing? That's what I did, eventough sometimes the eye I aimed isn't the same eye that been aimed at me. Im not being pessimistic (for some parts, probably) but im trying to be realistic. I even consider to seek some professionals sometimes but i guess that's just too much, eh?

Draft Letter I Could Never Send To You, And Never Will

Dear Mr P,

Good afternoon, Mr P! How are you? Doing good with your girl? Let's take it as yes because I see that you're finally going public with your relationship since I saw your dp with your girl. Your girl is sho cute I must say. In case you're wondering (but i doubt you'll ever find this letter anyway) I wrote this because this has been bothering me since days, probably if I dig deeper, It has been lingering since the day we said goodbyes to each other, perhaps, almost year ago. So, I'll just let it all out by typing this long-ass-cringey letter so I (hope) I could feel better after, since i knew, if i told just anyone about this, they might just see me as a vulnerable being, and i don't wanna be viewed like that, especially with people i knew.

Okay, back to the things-i-wanted-to-tell-you-but-i-choose-not-to. Boy, I don't miss you in romantic way nor I want your presence next to me whispering comforting things so that I could feel better. I believed I have moved on but sometimes, the thought of you are still lingering on my head. You left a questionable scar on my heart, because I don't know if I really hated you or just want to hear more explanation from you.

Our first meeting were kinda awkward, I know. My friend said you were handsome and kinda my type, but I didn't believe her at first since your display picture were facing other way so I couldn't see your face clearly lol.  I didn't expect too much from you,  I feel like i was out of your league, even I've thought my friend were joking when she said she wanted to introduce me to one of her seniors.

*                    *                   *

You messaged me first.

After days of talking to each other thru messaging app, you suddenly wanted to picked me up at train station which was marked as the day we 1st met, and the first time, a guy, who isn't my father, became an Imaam for maghrib prayer. In our first met. I was going cray

You are the type most girls probably hate, because you took minutes, even hours to reply, or no reply at all AFTER you read the messages. But i always got your reasons, you fall asleep, you were busy, your schedule with your friends, i got it. By then, I used to your habit of messaging. I never complained much, instead, I tried to understand your position, even though I was going crazy inside just to see a reply from you.

It's my first music festival experience ever, to attend, with a guy.

We met up at train station to the festival, and spent the days beautifully. We walked along, nearly a mile, hand-in-hands, to the venue, very happily, eventhough we both drenched by sweat. I was glad because we could saw Lenka's performance not too far from the stage, and sang along eventhough we both didn't know her song that well. And although we didn't watch all performers thru the end of event and were rushing off just to make sure you got your last train, i was genuinely happy. I was dying and contemplating inside if i should update my social media so that everyone could see how happy I was spending the day with you.

You know what happened now? Yes you guessed it right. I don't even want to hear songs by Lenka ever again because it just reminds me of you, or the day i got to spent with you. I. detested. it. so. much.

The Boy was turning 20!

That was the first time a guy spent a birthday with me, only me. I felt so special. You promised me that we were going somewhere to celebrate your birthday. I, too, looking forward for the day very much. I already got you a present, I choose a blue jumper by Pull & Bear and bought a red velvet cake, spent nearly thousands rupiahs for a first  time, to a guy (and we weren't a thing at that time yet) and not regretted it. (But now, I am)

We watched a movie, had a delicious dinner, took photos, and enjoyed the night scenery which were really beautiful that time. As you drove me home, you took a longer way than usual just because you said you wanted to spent more time with me before we reach my home. I probably went "awww" and blurted out random things at that time but trust me I felt amazing.

We finally became a 'thing'.

Dates after dates, we finally reached the relationship stage. It wasn't complicated at all, and we got along very well. Except, you left without a clear explanation after a 30 days.

When we were a thing, I felt beautiful, the feels of longing for someone and vice versa itself had took an amazing effect on myself.  I always wanted to look beautiful in front of you, with the way I did my make up, the way I spoke to you, even when we talked on messenger apps.

That time, we didn't meet for almost a month, when before, we used to meet just for a lunch, dinner, or a talk, probably once a week or more. I tried to understand that you were having midterms so I didn't try to arrange a date. But you, suddenly left me hanging like an idiot. You removed me from social media, and didn't even take a look at my last messages (we were talking just fine before). That's when I thought our relationship were ended and i tried to not be bothered by it.

I thought the reason you were missing was because you had problems with your parents, uni, or friends so that you didn't want to speak to anyone. I don't even know who your friends were instead of that one junior who also my friend too, but she said she didn't know, or maybe he's just bored with you, idk (and i was so mad at her at that time but little did i know, she had some problems too at that time, and we're all good now) and thus why i don;;t have the chance to ask them what's going on with you.

You finally replied my messages

....a WEEK after, with your weak reasoning. You said that you had your reasons which COULDN'T be explained but i was tired and just ate up whatever your reason was because i thought we were already done long before his explanations.

I accidentally found his instagram account, 

not long after our breakup, which is locked. I knew he created it not too long before i found it because I have searched his name before but there weren't one of his account, neither his followers and following numbers were that much for someone who're long in instagram. What surprised me to death was, his profile picture was him, with a girl, which later i found out that she is indeed his 'new' girlfriend (which was his ex-girlfriend too), thanks to my friend who informed me that his whatsapp profile picture are indeed him with the said girlfriend i saw on instagram. By then, i deleted all of our photos that we took, and blocked and deleted your contact right away.

Did you know how I feel at that time?

Anger? Mad? Sad? Dissapointed? Well, i couldn't handle it. That's when i lost my mind, and confident too. I felt deceived, ugly, humiliated, you name it all. I keep wondering what could possibly go wrong with us, what's wrong with me, am i not beautiful enough, am i not worthy enough to be loved, did he hate the gift i gave him, did he hate the way i talk, did i complained to much, and so on, which is not good. What's good is that i wasn't able to show him to anyone just yet and i thanked myself for doing that.

Yes, people, I was already cheated but he cleaned up his mess and image well before i found his shits. That's when i mad not only at you, but myself as well for letting a douche came close and messing me up. I might took a screenshot and made you as laughing stock with my cliques, but very very deep inside, i was very, very ashamed in front of them.

You may see me like i'm not affected by it at all. You may see my internet persona as a cold, witty, sarcastic and not caring about lovey dovey things at all. Hey, even if i did, the person i wanted to know the most won't know and didn't care at all so, what's the point? But really man, you can never tell a person by its photos nor what they posted on social media accounts because that's only show what they wanted to show.

The feel of knowing that you were cheated and deceived are humiliating, I must say. I am trully an idiot for believing a person so much and sadly you probably don't even know i already found your shit since then, because you even had the courage to sell a FCKNG concert tix to me after all the things you did :) i tend to avoid any confrontations and dramas plus we were already done so i don't want to ask you anything about that.

After all that, yes I kinda talk here and there with some guys but we were going nowhere. But you and all your mess keep popping up on my mind, make me angrier even more, because we already created so much memories before i learnt where the erase button is. Many things remind me of you, and deep down in my heart i hope i could meet you once again, face to face, just to hear your clear explanation of all these. But you seem happy with your girl now so I don't want to bother you with my not so important rants. I just hope when we destined to meet each other some other time, i won't ge remembered about things you've done anymore, I hope i'll laugh it off like it doesn't affect me at all, and you are just ones of my lesson learned i have to learnt.

Until we meet again,


A

Inception

Pernah gak sih kalian tuh mimpi kalo kalian lagi mimpi? Hah gimana lagi coba itu bahasanya gak mudeng, bingung jelasinnya. Jadi langsung aja ya tadi pagi asli gue baru nyadar banget setelah malam sebelumnya gue kaya super down parah terus gue bawa tidur aja, abis itu gue mimpi, mimpinya adalah.. mimpi bagus deh pokoknya kata orang mimpi bagus gak boleh diceritain keseluruhan soalnya ntar gak bakal kejadian (masih aja percaya ginian wkwk - bodo).

Gak deng ujung-ujungnya gue akan cerita juga kok disini. Nah jadi, di mimpi itu ada orang, gue tuh disitu kaya kenal banget pokoknya sama ni orang terus gue kebangun, gue nyadar itu mimpi and i was like "lah itu siapa anjir gue gak kenal" lalu yaudahlah gue beraktivitas seperti biasa dan ditengah-tengah itu gue ketemu orang yang di mimpi tadi, inget banget ketemu kaya di coffee shop gitu gue juga bingung kenapa bisa end up disana. Dan reaksi gue dalem hati kayak "ealah ini toh yang ada di mimpi gue, aneh banget gue bisa mimpiin dia, kenal aja nggak (turns out the said person has a twin brother when we met). Yaudah kan selesai gak gue ambil pusing lagi.
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jeng

jeng

jeng

jeng
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Gak sampe situ aja guys ceritanya. Jadi tadi siang menuju sore pas gue baru aja mau siap-siap cabut keluar rumah, gue baru nyadar kalo gue ketemu twin brothers pun cuma mimpi. In fact hari ini gue literally gak ketemu siapa-siapa, ke coffee shop pun nggak, bahkan gue pun gak tau siapa twin brothers di mimpi gue. Aneh ya? The least i could remember about that dream was that the twin brothers are quite good looking and neat, their faces are a bit chinese, one twin wears a blue shirt and then i forgot the rest. Kayaknya gue kebanyakan pergi ke area Jakarta Barat deh sampe kebawa mimpi ketemu Kokko-koko lucu^^

Ha

Hi,

I don't know if people even reading this nor my previous posts but i'm just gonna write this anyway.

Ha ha ha

Gak lucu.

Sebel gue akhir akhir ini jadi cranky banget parah, moodswings gak jelas gitu deh which is def not a good sign ever like what's going on with me?????????????????? Yes i'm on my period rn but i think that's not the ultimate reason tho? I never felt something like this even on my period days before. Like, maunya nyemprot orang-orang, apapun bisa bikin wa emosi. Jelek banget inisih parah kalo gini terus gimana ngilanginnya ya. Dan lagi, gue kalo lagi cranky, terus sebel sama orang, jeleknya gue nih ya, beneran lho gue bisa jahat sama orang hhhh nyusahin. Jangan-jangan usut punya usut gue ada darah tinggi? eh iya gak sih?????? should i get my blood checked soon???????

My self centered thoughts - Long ass post ahead

Hai bloggie ku yang lapuk. Sudahlama tidak berkunjung dimari.

Sebelumnya mau bilang, Minal aidin wal faidzin semuanya!!! Walaupun telat dikit tapi gapapa kan ya!!!! (ngomong sendiri) (jawab sendiri)

In case ada yang penasaran, ya alhamdulillah kabar gue baik baik aja. Lagi sibuk jadi panitia sama ikut kursus slama libur. Anyway, gue diterima di peminatan K3 just like what i wished back in my freshman years. Alhamdulillah, Allah masih peduli sama gue hehehe doakan aku semoga lancar di departemen ini sampai skripsi dan lulus nanti. Aamiin.

Nah gue mau cerita. Ada satu sih yang ngeganjel sekarang ini. The higher power in my house (ye let's just call it as it is) often asks me about who i'm dating with. Why do i haven't got any boyfriend yet and so on. Terus bilang jangan keasyikan liatin musik sama nonton drama jadi keasyikan, lupa deh cari pacar. Wow wow what a way to enlighten my life vision. Lagian ada ada aja, ngapain cepet cepet punya "the one" you could call it mine diumur yang sekarang sih. Ya silakan kalo ada yang happy begitu, i'm happy for you, gak salah, tapi buat yang sendiri terus sedih galau keluarin quotes quotes bahwa single is the worst, i feel bad for you. I admit back in few months ago, i envied those who shared their happiness with their other half with such cute captions and heartwarming photos. However, something happened, and it completely changed my mind. I have another stuffs which must be taken care of from now on. Yall probably could see what's worrying me from my recent posts from 3 years ago until now.  I really don't want to depend on anyone else. I want to be independent, i want to asure myself that imma have bright future years ahead with my own hardworks. Plus, i don't want to get myself caught in useless, tiring, and stupid situations which would affect my future.

Sure, i have the desire to meet the so called my other half. But i think,  for now it's not that important. I'm not saying i would forbid myself from getting into a relationship. People come and go, hence, i can say that i'm quite used to the people who left after getting such a ti'is response from me (Ti' is alias bahasa belandanya dingin-you get me). I'm sorry you won't get any unyu unyu response from me, unless I'm sure you'll bring no harm (emangnya kuman) dan eventho, they left, gue juga yang yaudah????We weren't together by law so gue gabakal kehilangan apa-apa juga sih, ya sedih sedih dikit ajah tapi yaudah emang we werent meant together toh??? And sayings like "nikah aja sama orang kaya biar gak susah" "abis kuliah mau langsung nikah aja" would not work for me. Because, let's say that i got married with an anak pejabat business man once i graduated from uni. Ya syukur ketemunya yang baik.  kalo misalnya in some ways, he cheated on me (naudzubillahminzalik) , be it i know or not, and worst, abused me, either verbally or physically, while i don't have any jobs and bener bener depend on my husband financially, gue bisa apa selain iya iya aja sih? Ya ok cerai, but while i don't have any back up plan for supporting me, what could i do after that? Nikah lagi? Anak-anak gue? No, i don't want my kid experince such a thing. Intinya, I don't want that kind of relationship. Ya emang kejauhan mikirnya, tapi apapun bisa terjadi yakan. And nope kid, i'm not making stories, i have seen shhoo many kind of relationships like this in my entire life. And i don't want "that" happened with me. Lagian, Takdir Allah siapa yang tau. What i'm doing right now, is my way to prevent if those unpleasant things happened in the future.

I don't really mind if anyone ever called me with jones orsomething like that (the jokes is getting old tho, i suggest you to find the new ones). Those galau galau account be it on twitter or those that your friends shared on Line irk me in so many levels. Cewe harus jual mahal lah, cowo harus inilah, wey lu gila ya. These kind of sayings will affect younger generations in negative ways, rather than love theirselves for what they have achieved. ya emang gak semua, cuma akun-akun menye kaya gitu pasti mempengaruhi orang banyak. Gue, dulu, salah satunya. Sedih juga kalo dipikir-pikir.

I have soooo much things i want to aim other than this one. Get accepted in graduated school, travels around the world, punya rumah sendiri, atas nama gue, and so on. And so do YOU! You can find happiness everywhere and anywhere kok, gak harus nunggu dikasih sama orang lain. Make yourself happy, and proud, and live your life to the fullest.

Tl;dr, to the higher power that makes me writing this long, probably full of bs post, please don't worry about me or what happened with my love life. I'm happy, safe and sound for who i am, by myself. My future plan is on me, so the right thing you could do are supporting my decision and wishing my plan would work on me, smoothly, hence, everything will be just fine.

HAPPY EID MUBARAK!

Saya selaku owner blog bersama rekan saya, Chris Hemsworth ini mengucapkan Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin buat seluruh rekan muslim di seluruh dunia!

Guys!!!! Gimana puasanya kangen aku gak hehehehehe >.< ENIWEI Chris Hemsworth beneran di Jakarta, di PI terakhir beritanya, too bad dia gabisa liat gue karna ga kesana :( mungkin dia ingin merasakan bagaimana gebyar lebaran di Jakarta. ANIWEI MIAN untuk semua kesalahanku Chingudeul! Annyeong!

Alone

Have you ever feel so aloone? Have you ever thought that no one need you? Oke sedikit lebay sih. But actually, this is the worst feeling i've ever feel till now. Huhu ibu pergi ayah pergi temen main pada sibuk semua yahh. Sampe besok juga >.< sounds silly yah tapi sering banget ngerasaain sesendiri ini. No no i've got enough friends to chat with kalo di bbm twitter and so on. Tapi itu gacukup lah. Chat aja sama simsimi kalo gitu. Isn't it ironic how on days we feel most alone like i-cant-cope-with-it, we isolate myself from the world.

Saat lagi butuh seseorang buat nemenin you, ada disamping you saat itu juga, buat you gelendotin, dengerin cerita you yang gapenting, even he/she doesn't support you with kind of words, tapi asal ada ajaaa seseorang, siaapun itu, udah jadi mental support tersendiri, yakan? Manusia itu....makhluk sosial kan?. But there's no one available to share their times with you. When you have so many stories to tell, but nobody wants to listen your story Like you weren't needed.. apaperlu i tweet "feel so alone" di twitter even no one notice :'( najis lebay. Kesian banget nih si forever alone atu aakakakakak.

Atau disini, gue yang salah. Gue, gue yang labil, gue yang gabisa bersosialisasi, gue yang emang aslinya gapunya temen or orang terdekat yah. Shud i pay 50$ for curhat sama psikolog? lagi lagi berlebihan dalam berkata, Allysa. Mungkin ada yang udah pernah nonton "The Perks of Being Wallflower"? atau udah baca novelnya? Ya, kadang gue ngerasa kaya si Charlie. You see things, you keep quiet about them. And you understand. that's sooooooooooooo me, sometimes. Oh ya you can call me a-semi-introvert-puberty-girl. I kud be so quite sometimes, and lucky you (or mampus lo) if i kud said anything that comes thru my head, to ya without being shy~

Yaudalah ya gausah lebay, orang orang sibuk ngurusin yang lebih penting daripada loe. Cuma dua hari ini (or more) belom ngekos, makin gada yang notice lo juga sih, sok penting abis hiduplo, wey.

Udah lah, btw hari ini hari terakhir ujian praktik. Karena ujian praktik gue jadi sering banget ketemu sama si mr.a walaupun kita beda kelas. Blog, todayy, he looked really cute did his biology task with his glasses on (: i knew, this feeling wasn't love, its just you likes someone, somuch. I just feel happy wherever i see him. Bahagia totally sederhana, guys. Oh sure, i still have crush on you, everytime i see you mr.a (: semoga tercapai deh cita citanya jadi dokter. Next, sukses uas dan un for us yaa hehe :D

Anyway, i really shud say THANKS to anyone who created this thingy thing called blogger yang dari jaman rhoma irama masih sibuk manggung udah bantu mencurahkan semua hal hal tersampah di dunia ini. Salam hangat, manusia sampah. Xo

People change, friends leave. But life doesn't stop for anybody. -"The Perks of Being Wallflower"

OEEY

Hi. Met malem^^

Abis baca posting yang dari jaman phytecanthropus erectus..aih kangen ya pas gua masih jadi jadinya. Apa coba jadi jadinya-_- icha lagi pengen random posting aja nih. heuheu

Alhamdulillah hari ini puasanya kuat yah walaupun sampai ga ditraktir d'cost deh sama Ivanna :( jadi kedapetan nonton hi5teria nya doang.

Oya, hi5teria ini kan genrenya hororr. Buat lo penggemar horror sih level cemen banget. Tapi buat gue, pilihan menonton film horror adalah salah satu pilihan yang gaakan gue pilih'. ngerti kan maksud gue? Tapi mirip phobia gitu ceritanya, dibagi 5 berseri. Yah Indonesia apa sih yang gak ngikutin.

Dan lo tau apa? setelah nonton itu gue bukannya pulang, malah nyusul nyokap gue yang ada di sarinah, biar di rumah gak sendiri. Padahal lagi puasa. HaHaHa tertolol2012. Ah sudahlah lupakan.


terus apa ya....akhir akhir ini jadi tidur malem terus gara gara kebiasaan ulangan. Wah pas ulangan belajar sampe malem ya cha? H4h4h4h4h4h4h sini tabokin pantatnya dulu. 10% belajar 90% kurang ajar. Hasilnya mari qana'ah saja seperti biasa.

Terus lovelife gimana cha? UHUK UHUK UHUK batuk bu? Minum obh cimbi kid, semriwing.EA. Malu ah :$
 Apasih geli banget IUWWWWWWWH wkwkwk icha kenapa.......ah ga gimana gimana coy hufffft biarkan mengalir seperti air aja, selonin selonin. EA geli banget anjir:(

Udah ah ngablu gini. Wassalam

Correct

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others hearts. You'll fight with your bestfriend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you......."

Gotcha!

Hai, my DB! Udh lama gak post ya? Maaf. Mood lg amburadul. Bener bener gak teratur. Gara-gara satu orang. Ya satu. Orang yang......................udahlah. Males bahas. Intinya, cuma mau bilang makasih sama tuh orang. Buat semuanya. Makasih&bye.