(Un)carefree

Akhir-akhir ini gue baru menyadari.

Gue, kalo udah berhubungan sama orang, yang sukanya tuh yakin gue suka, no matter if he's the right person in the right time or the otherwise, gue akan sangat needy.

Parah.

*but still trying to maintain my coolness at its best dengan tidak ngomong ke orangnya*

Yaiyalah, ntar orangnya freaked out. WKWKWK makan tuh gengsi.

I tend to analyze even the smallest thing, smallest move, or irrelevant thing, which could ruin my mood the whole day. And i don't feel proud of myself about that. The smallest thing can make me go 'ok that's it that's the sign, he doesn't love you anymore, you fool, gotta move on asap' tapi abis itu dia baik lagi kayak the one that i knew and then i was like 'ah i misunderstand myself again', aaaand all hell break loose once again.

I feel bad to myself that i need such a ~constant reassurance~ for myself to know that i was loved. I also feel bad for my future s.o for them having the task to tell me that they are fine and okay with me arround them (if that's really going to happen)

Tapi tenang, gue needy kayak gini gada yang tau kok kecuali kamu yang baca blog ini mungkin. Even si s.o nya aja taunya gue selow abis bois so all is good (kecuali yang nulis). Capek juga sih sesering itu i over analyze the smallest thing. And i also think that was the reason my past s.o left me. Because i was being too needy for them, too clingy. Kalo kata orang mah, gak ada tantangannya.

I also know mereka punya kesibukkan. But this needy-ass of mine can't stop thinking all the negativities, yang dimana harusnya gue bisa berpikir lebih jernih dari sekarang. But i just can't :-(

Oh, gue juga gak bisa act like i don't care or take revenge. Kayak nih si s.o bales message like 2-3 hours tapi dalam selang waktu tersebut bisa liat-liat instagram. Then, i'll automatically thought that he purposely ignored my messages bc he's bored with me, tired of me, etc. Akut gak?

Di logika gue yang gamasuk tuh yang kayak gitu aja sih. Why? In my case, no matter how busy i am, i'll always try ngasih kabar. Gak sih bukan constant harus bales sebenernya, tapi kasih tau aja, kayak talk to you later because i was doing this and that, sebenernya gak susah kan? At least kalo buat gue. Cuma gatau emang gue lagi needy-needy nya aja kali ya jadi kayak gini. Atau sebenernya gue emang gini dari dulu? capek gak sih deket sama orang kayak gue? huhuhu

idk anymore ok

makasih lho kamu bikin gede trust issues aku sama orang-orang, sama mereka yang usaha baik sama aku, sama mereka yang mungkin sebenernya gak seperti yang kamu pikir. sama mereka yang berusaha balikin kepercayaan aku.

yang sekarang aku liat sama orang-orang adalah
in the end, semua orang akan nyakitin aku. akan tau flaws aku dimana, celah lemah aku dimana. in the end, aku sebenernya ga deserve orang-orang baik. gak pantes mikir yang muluk-muluk, yang tinggi-tinggi, yang bagus-bagus. karena yang terlalu bagus akan jadi celah nantinya buat kelemahan aku.

aku gak bisa liat kamu menilai siapa yang pantas untuk orang kayak aku. gak dengan penilaian yang datang dari orang kayak kamu. 

Anxiety

Why do i tend to push people away when i feel like they're being too close to me? Is it because i'm feeling too insecure of myself or is there any science explanations behind my doings?. You know, it's not like i'm that busy these days beside doing my thesis, but yea something been bugging me off lately.

Recently, there was a guy who approached me. He is a year older than me. we went on a date once and yadda yadda but then i found something in him which is a lil bit too much for me to handle so i kinda lost the interest. Honestly, i feel no regret at all and i thought it was okay feel that we are no match because we were still at the stage of knowing each other, so there's that. And no, the reason is not because there was another guy. I just kinda lost the sparks? idk

The thing is, when i lost interest in a person, i can't fake myself to like them. But i'll try to be as polite as possible (i know how hurt the feels of rejection) and after i discussed the matter with one of my boy-friend (who was happened in an exact position as the guy i talked above) i encouraged myself to talk about how i feel with the said guy. And that was actually my first time i told a guy to just    Fortunately, he was aware and asked me first what happened to me. And i listed the things that been bothered me and told the guy to just find another person who matches his persona or whatever. Idk if he got the signal but he acted like i just wasn't ready and updated his sns here and there about how to be strong etc (thank you, you left me with no regret at all)

You know, if i were another person, i probably would hate myself too but I can't help myself okay?

Social anxiety. 

Is this the right term to describe why i acted like these? that would be hyperbole but sometimes it just not about the guy. It might be the guy fault at some points, but there are more bigger picture why i feel like acted like an asshole most of the times. I feel like if they know the real me, the me they don't even guess on what i presented on my social media, the me they think they already know, they would leave me, the annoying me. Same goes when i feel like my friends opted me out when they were going out without telling me. It might be a coincidence but the annoying mind of me keep telling me that i'm no fun to be around so they're rather going out without me.

Who's gonna love the socially awkward person with fierce-tryhard personality outside like me? I'm no Beyonce nor Taylor Swift so my face won't even save me.
Thus why i rarely updated something so explicitly about my feelings, because i think that's miserable.  No one would 'really' care about what happened to your feelings. You know the thing i often do as in the an eye for an eye thing? That's what I did, eventough sometimes the eye I aimed isn't the same eye that been aimed at me. Im not being pessimistic (for some parts, probably) but im trying to be realistic. I even consider to seek some professionals sometimes but i guess that's just too much, eh?

Draft Letter I Could Never Send To You, And Never Will

Dear Mr P,

Good afternoon, Mr P! How are you? Doing good with your girl? Let's take it as yes because I see that you're finally going public with your relationship since I saw your dp with your girl. Your girl is sho cute I must say. In case you're wondering (but i doubt you'll ever find this letter anyway) I wrote this because this has been bothering me since days, probably if I dig deeper, It has been lingering since the day we said goodbyes to each other, perhaps, almost year ago. So, I'll just let it all out by typing this long-ass-cringey letter so I (hope) I could feel better after, since i knew, if i told just anyone about this, they might just see me as a vulnerable being, and i don't wanna be viewed like that, especially with people i knew.

Okay, back to the things-i-wanted-to-tell-you-but-i-choose-not-to. Boy, I don't miss you in romantic way nor I want your presence next to me whispering comforting things so that I could feel better. I believed I have moved on but sometimes, the thought of you are still lingering on my head. You left a questionable scar on my heart, because I don't know if I really hated you or just want to hear more explanation from you.

Our first meeting were kinda awkward, I know. My friend said you were handsome and kinda my type, but I didn't believe her at first since your display picture were facing other way so I couldn't see your face clearly lol.  I didn't expect too much from you,  I feel like i was out of your league, even I've thought my friend were joking when she said she wanted to introduce me to one of her seniors.

*                    *                   *

You messaged me first.

After days of talking to each other thru messaging app, you suddenly wanted to picked me up at train station which was marked as the day we 1st met, and the first time, a guy, who isn't my father, became an Imaam for maghrib prayer. In our first met. I was going cray

You are the type most girls probably hate, because you took minutes, even hours to reply, or no reply at all AFTER you read the messages. But i always got your reasons, you fall asleep, you were busy, your schedule with your friends, i got it. By then, I used to your habit of messaging. I never complained much, instead, I tried to understand your position, even though I was going crazy inside just to see a reply from you.

It's my first music festival experience ever, to attend, with a guy.

We met up at train station to the festival, and spent the days beautifully. We walked along, nearly a mile, hand-in-hands, to the venue, very happily, eventhough we both drenched by sweat. I was glad because we could saw Lenka's performance not too far from the stage, and sang along eventhough we both didn't know her song that well. And although we didn't watch all performers thru the end of event and were rushing off just to make sure you got your last train, i was genuinely happy. I was dying and contemplating inside if i should update my social media so that everyone could see how happy I was spending the day with you.

You know what happened now? Yes you guessed it right. I don't even want to hear songs by Lenka ever again because it just reminds me of you, or the day i got to spent with you. I. detested. it. so. much.

The Boy was turning 20!

That was the first time a guy spent a birthday with me, only me. I felt so special. You promised me that we were going somewhere to celebrate your birthday. I, too, looking forward for the day very much. I already got you a present, I choose a blue jumper by Pull & Bear and bought a red velvet cake, spent nearly thousands rupiahs for a first  time, to a guy (and we weren't a thing at that time yet) and not regretted it. (But now, I am)

We watched a movie, had a delicious dinner, took photos, and enjoyed the night scenery which were really beautiful that time. As you drove me home, you took a longer way than usual just because you said you wanted to spent more time with me before we reach my home. I probably went "awww" and blurted out random things at that time but trust me I felt amazing.

We finally became a 'thing'.

Dates after dates, we finally reached the relationship stage. It wasn't complicated at all, and we got along very well. Except, you left without a clear explanation after a 30 days.

When we were a thing, I felt beautiful, the feels of longing for someone and vice versa itself had took an amazing effect on myself.  I always wanted to look beautiful in front of you, with the way I did my make up, the way I spoke to you, even when we talked on messenger apps.

That time, we didn't meet for almost a month, when before, we used to meet just for a lunch, dinner, or a talk, probably once a week or more. I tried to understand that you were having midterms so I didn't try to arrange a date. But you, suddenly left me hanging like an idiot. You removed me from social media, and didn't even take a look at my last messages (we were talking just fine before). That's when I thought our relationship were ended and i tried to not be bothered by it.

I thought the reason you were missing was because you had problems with your parents, uni, or friends so that you didn't want to speak to anyone. I don't even know who your friends were instead of that one junior who also my friend too, but she said she didn't know, or maybe he's just bored with you, idk (and i was so mad at her at that time but little did i know, she had some problems too at that time, and we're all good now) and thus why i don;;t have the chance to ask them what's going on with you.

You finally replied my messages

....a WEEK after, with your weak reasoning. You said that you had your reasons which COULDN'T be explained but i was tired and just ate up whatever your reason was because i thought we were already done long before his explanations.

I accidentally found his instagram account, 

not long after our breakup, which is locked. I knew he created it not too long before i found it because I have searched his name before but there weren't one of his account, neither his followers and following numbers were that much for someone who're long in instagram. What surprised me to death was, his profile picture was him, with a girl, which later i found out that she is indeed his 'new' girlfriend (which was his ex-girlfriend too), thanks to my friend who informed me that his whatsapp profile picture are indeed him with the said girlfriend i saw on instagram. By then, i deleted all of our photos that we took, and blocked and deleted your contact right away.

Did you know how I feel at that time?

Anger? Mad? Sad? Dissapointed? Well, i couldn't handle it. That's when i lost my mind, and confident too. I felt deceived, ugly, humiliated, you name it all. I keep wondering what could possibly go wrong with us, what's wrong with me, am i not beautiful enough, am i not worthy enough to be loved, did he hate the gift i gave him, did he hate the way i talk, did i complained to much, and so on, which is not good. What's good is that i wasn't able to show him to anyone just yet and i thanked myself for doing that.

Yes, people, I was already cheated but he cleaned up his mess and image well before i found his shits. That's when i mad not only at you, but myself as well for letting a douche came close and messing me up. I might took a screenshot and made you as laughing stock with my cliques, but very very deep inside, i was very, very ashamed in front of them.

You may see me like i'm not affected by it at all. You may see my internet persona as a cold, witty, sarcastic and not caring about lovey dovey things at all. Hey, even if i did, the person i wanted to know the most won't know and didn't care at all so, what's the point? But really man, you can never tell a person by its photos nor what they posted on social media accounts because that's only show what they wanted to show.

The feel of knowing that you were cheated and deceived are humiliating, I must say. I am trully an idiot for believing a person so much and sadly you probably don't even know i already found your shit since then, because you even had the courage to sell a FCKNG concert tix to me after all the things you did :) i tend to avoid any confrontations and dramas plus we were already done so i don't want to ask you anything about that.

After all that, yes I kinda talk here and there with some guys but we were going nowhere. But you and all your mess keep popping up on my mind, make me angrier even more, because we already created so much memories before i learnt where the erase button is. Many things remind me of you, and deep down in my heart i hope i could meet you once again, face to face, just to hear your clear explanation of all these. But you seem happy with your girl now so I don't want to bother you with my not so important rants. I just hope when we destined to meet each other some other time, i won't ge remembered about things you've done anymore, I hope i'll laugh it off like it doesn't affect me at all, and you are just ones of my lesson learned i have to learnt.

Until we meet again,


A

Inception

Pernah gak sih kalian tuh mimpi kalo kalian lagi mimpi? Hah gimana lagi coba itu bahasanya gak mudeng, bingung jelasinnya. Jadi langsung aja ya tadi pagi asli gue baru nyadar banget setelah malam sebelumnya gue kaya super down parah terus gue bawa tidur aja, abis itu gue mimpi, mimpinya adalah.. mimpi bagus deh pokoknya kata orang mimpi bagus gak boleh diceritain keseluruhan soalnya ntar gak bakal kejadian (masih aja percaya ginian wkwk - bodo).

Gak deng ujung-ujungnya gue akan cerita juga kok disini. Nah jadi, di mimpi itu ada orang, gue tuh disitu kaya kenal banget pokoknya sama ni orang terus gue kebangun, gue nyadar itu mimpi and i was like "lah itu siapa anjir gue gak kenal" lalu yaudahlah gue beraktivitas seperti biasa dan ditengah-tengah itu gue ketemu orang yang di mimpi tadi, inget banget ketemu kaya di coffee shop gitu gue juga bingung kenapa bisa end up disana. Dan reaksi gue dalem hati kayak "ealah ini toh yang ada di mimpi gue, aneh banget gue bisa mimpiin dia, kenal aja nggak (turns out the said person has a twin brother when we met). Yaudah kan selesai gak gue ambil pusing lagi.
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jeng

jeng

jeng

jeng
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Gak sampe situ aja guys ceritanya. Jadi tadi siang menuju sore pas gue baru aja mau siap-siap cabut keluar rumah, gue baru nyadar kalo gue ketemu twin brothers pun cuma mimpi. In fact hari ini gue literally gak ketemu siapa-siapa, ke coffee shop pun nggak, bahkan gue pun gak tau siapa twin brothers di mimpi gue. Aneh ya? The least i could remember about that dream was that the twin brothers are quite good looking and neat, their faces are a bit chinese, one twin wears a blue shirt and then i forgot the rest. Kayaknya gue kebanyakan pergi ke area Jakarta Barat deh sampe kebawa mimpi ketemu Kokko-koko lucu^^